Changing Dreams

I don’t really look at dreams like others do…I don’t view dreams as something to wish for but something to work for.  The funny thing about dreams is they change.  I used to dream of this life where I loved my job, had a family who loved and supported me, and that I was truly happy.

My dreams haven’t changed much but I realize now that you can not force things.  My family is not really a family anymore.  I’m still working for the same law firm but it’s not something I love.  Am I happy?  I’ve learned to be happy with life but I’ve noticed that I’ve changed the way I’m happy.

The changes I’ve made (some good and some not so good) has become a personal project of mine.  I started surrounding myself with people who make me smile (good), buying stuff I don’t need (not so good), cleaning out and donating things I don’t use (good), trying to be remember what is important (really really good), learning how to be an overall good person (good), and sometimes failing (bad).

One major change I’ve made is I’ve stopped drinking except for once in a while.  Now, I wasn’t what I would classify as someone who drank a lot — I’d have two maybe three beers a night, but something happened that changed my view on drinking.

Before I get in to what happened, I should say my family is divided into two types: the drinkers and the non-drinkers.  The non-drinkers are my brothers and their wives.  One brother won’t touch a drop of alcohol and the other doesn’t drink but one in a while (maybe once a year).  The drinkers are my dad (who is closer to an alcoholic than not), my sister (active drinker — closer to me most days but can sometimes act like my dad), and me (before this incident).

My sister drank too much at my dad’s wedding and nearly killed herself.  Three things that changed me: 1. We were sharing a room and I saved her life 2. She said very hurtful things to me that night that I know she didn’t mean but some of it is true 3. She acts like nothing happened. My sister is doing well and living her life as if nothing ever happened.  However the course of the night forever changed the way I saw my family and the two sides.

I’ve stopped drinking outside of when I hang out with friends which is once a week and I’ve limited it to one — two with food.  As you probably could guess, this has changed the family dynamic quite a bit.  My brothers finally see the dad I’ve come to know with her in his life. My sister is no longer who I thought she was — she has decided to pretend it didn’t happen and basically is acting like she didn’t hurt anyone.

It scared me – I had been drinking all day (with water and food).  It could have been me.  I know my sister is an adult and she is old enough to make her own choices.  For me, I don’t ever want to be in that position again.  So, I’m trying to learn how to be this person without being judgmental — it is hard and it is a struggle I face every day.

So, I’ve changed my dreams a bit – I want to be happy, but no at the cost of others.   If I have the love and support of people who care about me, family or not, I’ll be okay.

.a.

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The Break … Update in Life and Hopefully Some New Posts…

Hello Everyone!

I know I’ve been M.I.A. Life has been crazy — I’m sorry a lot has happened and I needed to take a break from social media for a while.  I hope you can understand.

— Update —

Since my last post, I had to put down one of my dogs, my dad is now married, and I’m a completely different person.  I’ve been trying to make the most of whatever life throws at me but I’ll tell you now I’m looking forward to new beginnings.

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Welcome Back.

I finally did it…I finally did something outside of my comfort zone. I’ve always been the outgoing girl but over the last five years or so I’ve started reverting into myself. I’m not sure why or if there was a reason behind it but I did. Every day that passed, it became harder and harder to get out of this phase. 

Yesterday, I actually pushed myself to do something that wasn’t in my comfort zone. I went to an out of work work function. Normally, it wouldn’t be a big deal but I’ve always hated not having someone to talk to. Don’t get me wrong, I can be alone. In fact I’m normally alone…but being alone while everyone else brings their family…awkward. 

So I’ve been putting it off making friends outside of work. It wasn’t until the group of girls I sit by a work started asking if they could sit by me at the game. It was kind of nice for a change so I went. I have to say I really enjoyed myself. 

I hope everyone had a wonderful week.

.a. 


                                                                          

To speak up or shut up…

It has finally happened — one of my friends at work received the axe at work.   I’m not going to place blame on either person however you have to do what you have to do. My friend had a habit of “word vomit” which is one of the best things about her, unfortunately my work didn’t agree. She basically said anything that came to mind and didn’t give a flying fuck about what people thought of her. This quality is not something you would want in a work environment. I understand this. 

One thing I’ve learned about working is you either fall into one of two categorizes: “Speak up” or “Shut up”. Now I think everyone experiences both on a daily basis. It goes hand in hand with working. My advise is simple if you do speak up do it in a respectful tone.  Don’t let your emotions take over and don’t be afraid to stand up. 

Happy Sunday.

.a.

  

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The Sweetest Things

Happy Easter! (For those of you who celebrate Easter) or Happy Sunday!

Today’s blog is going to be one close to my heart.  I want to talk about one of my fur babies — Charlie.  Charlie has been with me for more than half of my life (he is turning sixteen this year) and I know that the time is coming where he may not be around anymore.

The past year he has started to decline — we have him on pain and anti-inflammatory meds and for the most part, he seems to be as active as a 112 year old could be.  He has been through it all with me: from my first boyfriend to my first heart-break to finding myself to losing myself through the tears and the laughter and everything in between.

Growing up, I had a really hard time with animals — it seemed like every time my parents allowed me to get an animal, I always picked the animal with the most problems.  The cat with a rare disease or the rabbit that could pull a Houdini and “disappear” without a trace. Every time something would happen, it would break my heart and my mom would be beside herself trying to cheer me up.

I was going through a hard time my seventh grade and my mom thought it my be beneficial for me to have a confidant by my side.  My asked me if I knew what a dachshund was — and of course knew it was a type of dog.  Well lets say that it didn’t take long for my mom to convince me that I wanted a dachshund.  I will never forget that day — he was so small — like a hotdog with legs.  I loved him.  That night he kept me up all night long — and I made a promise that I would always love and take care of him.

I can’t imagine what my life would of been like without him… My mom was right, we all need someone to always have our back even when we’re wrong.  I wanted to share a bit of me with you.

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Charlie is on the left and Gigi is on the right.

.a.

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One more time…

Hey Guys!

So I always feel like ‘Good intentions can often lead to unintended consequences’ and although I would love to quit my day job to blog all day, I can’t so my solution is to try twitter one more time.  I had a personal account once upon a time and well I can’t say it ended well.

I’ve decided to add myself to twitter for the blog.  I may not be always available to blog but I’m hoping I will be able to post a bit more and be able to connect better to all of you.

You can follow me if you want — twitter.com/bookofdreamsblg as always I’d love to hear from you.

.a.

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Letting Go…

Have you ever had the feeling that sometimes keeping relationships are more work than what they are worth it?  I’ve come to the conclusion that maybe it is time for me to “rethink” the people in my life including family.  I never thought I would be that person — the person willing to walk away from her family — but the time has come to make even more changes.

I original started this blog to help out my father and to document the changes in life after college.  No one ever tells you that sometimes no matter how hard you try sometimes life doesn’t go the way you thought.  I thought doing what my mother asked of me was the right “course”, but I guess my mother never stopped to consider that people make the decisions on whether to keep others in their life.  I’ve held on as long as I could but it is time to put myself first.

I know that this must sound like I’m ungrateful for the family I have but truth be told, we haven’t been a family since my mother passed.  In fact, the more I try to hold us together the further apart we become.  I have said before that I’m tired of being only called when someone needs something — I want to mean more to someone.

I’m ready to move on and become someone better, so I’m letting go of who I was and now looking to the future with hope and a new sense of happiness.

HAPPINESS IS HOMEMADE.

.a.

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